Ok, so I know I haven’t posted for a lightyear and I really do apologise. I don’t really have any excuse other than LIFE. We’ve bought a house and have been settling and nesting for the past year and it has been Amazing with a capital A. Which brings me on to the title of this post. I’ve been doing a bit of reflecting recently (maybe it’s the nesting?), and I am by no means saying my life is perfect, it ebbs and flows like life should. But I think this could be the happiest I have felt in a long time. If I were to tell myself this 3 and a half years ago when I was at my lowest point I honestly wouldn’t have believed it. The person that, at the time I thought was my be all and end all had just told me they didn’t love me anymore. These are no words any person madly in love ever wants to hear and I wouldn’t wish that pain upon anyone. I know that when it initially happened to me I was googling and youtubing trying to find some advice on how to deal with my broken heart. So I thought I would share with you my version of how to mend a broken heart. This is where I get all Dr Phil on your ass, so you might want to grab a cuppa, this is a long one!
1.Cry Your Heart Out
This may seem like I am stating the obvious here, but one of the best things to do is just get it all out. I cried for 3 days straight. My Mum would just look at me and I’d cry. After those 3 days of crying I felt like I was done. There’s no shame in crying, after all you’re grieving. You’ve lost something that was out of your control. You didn’t have a choice in this and thats worth a big old cry. I find too that, if I do a lot of crying in the beginning it makes it easier when telling people as I’ve shed all those tears.
2.Family and Friends
This is when you need those support networks the most, which again might sound obvious. My mum actually slept in my bed with me that first night, as I didn’t want to be alone. You might feel like you want to be alone but there is comfort in knowing the people that love you ‘worts and all’ are by your side. They’ll be hurting for you too. People on team ‘YOU’ are what you need. They’re there with open arms, bottles of wine and chocolate. Utilise them (and the wine), I found that the advice and wisdom my family and my friends shared were what got me through. And usually that’s when the truth comes out that they really didn’t like your partner and they couldn’t tell you until now. So have a good old bitch session; about how bad their choice of shoes were or how they looked like they belonged in Harry Potter. It’ll make you feel better for a moment and remember the people who love you the most won’t judge you.
3. Delete, Delete, Delete
Their phone number, email address, friends numbers, parents number,work number, defriend them on facebook. I think you get the gist. I even went to the dramatic lengths of deleting my own facebook, to quote my very wise brother “anyone that actually cares about you knows how to get in touch with you without facebook”. And you know what he was right (don’t tell him). Deleting everything also means that even though the temptation to send those 1am texts,emails,voicemails declaring how much you miss them is still there; the ease of having their number on speed dial is gone. And yes some of you might know his/her number by heart, you’re going to have to use all that strength inside of you to not contact them. Trust me you’ll only regret it later. Also what helped for me was to delete all photo’s, emails and messages. And put anything sentimental like cards and gifts in a box and then deal with it when you are felling better, out of sight out of mind. Getting rid of everything is not only great for therapy but you’ll only go back and look at these things when you’re feeling a little down and that’s not going to help anyone.
4. No Contact Zone
Similar to the above point but much harder I think. One of my biggest pieces of advice would be DO NOT CONTACT THEM. Even if its to say you’ve seen their mum at the supermarket or if its just to tell them that you hate the heck out of them. Don’t do it. How do I know not to? Because I did and looking back it just made the healing time longer and things much harder. There are still feelings there, love or not, feelings linger. It’s hard to go from having that person be yours to them being a stranger. Lines get blurred and crossed and next thing you know you’re kissing and then they remember they broke up with you for a reason and you get hurt all over again (true story). It’s much better for both parties to just move on and have some distance. Maybe in a year if you see them a polite “hello, how are ya?” would suffice.
5. Don’t Be Too Hard On Yourself
This is the easiest time to get all Debbie Downer and that is fair enough. You’ve just had you’re heart ripped out of your chest. When you are on the receiving end of a breakup its does feel like your flaws are being highlighted. You feel like you’ve failed, like you’re not good enough and no one will ever love you the way they did. That’s fine, you can wallow in that for a bit, but after a few hours, even a day of a self pity party, that really gets you nowhere and no one wants to hang out with Debbie Downer. Instead acknowledge your part in the breakup, what you could’ve done different, things you might not be so proud of. And on the flip side; acknowledge the things that you are proud of about yourself and the relationship, what you did do well and the love you shared. Remember this is just one persons view of you and it shouldn’t define who you think you are; only you can do that.
6. Set Some Goals
What better time to start again and set yourself some new targets than after a breakup. This may feel like the end but believe me its not. For me, it ended up being a little dramatic and I moved to the other side of the world but that meant I started a new job, I finally passed my driving test and I lived away from the family home. Some of the decisions I made in that learning period, I’m not so proud of. But I’d honestly not do anything differently, it has made me who I am today. So if it’s to join the gym, start you’re own candle making business, go travelling, run a marathon, join tinder; now is the best time to tick those boxes and start feeling good about yourself. There’s no better feeling than bettering yourself and gaining some independence, there also isn’t a sweeter revenge, than showing someone you are a success.
7. Hit The Shops
Or the salon or the gym, Just pamper yourself. Do something that gives you that hit of instant gratification and joy. Trying a new hairstyle or adding new pieces to your wardrobe, will help reflect a new you on the outside at least. As material and superficial these things are I truly believe this can help. My birthday wasn’t long after the split, so my parents treated me to a facial and some new clothes. It was incredible, to look in the mirror and even though on the inside I might not be feeling my best the outside was looking pretty darn good, if I do say so myself. So go and hit the shops, what better excuse to get that credit card out than a bit of self loving retail therapy.
8. Have A Girls/Boys Night
Don’t let those new additions to your wardrobe and hairdo go to waste. Get your besties over, get the wines in, put on your favourite jams, and get glammed up. Whether you end up just having a night at home or you head out on the tiles (as my uncle would say), having a night with your girls or boys around you, being a dork, having a dance and a flirt, is just what the doctor ordered. And lets be honest having a few bevvys never hurt (in moderation haha).
9.Write A Letter
For me I struggle to verbalise my feelings. So I need to write it down. The best thing I did was write a letter to my ex. The worst thing I did was actually send it to him. I’ve made that mistake a couple times in my life and I don’t plan on repeating it. So in saying this write that letter, get how you’re feeling out, tell them how much you’re hurting and that you miss them and you hate them for doing this to you. Once you’ve got all those feelings down read it and then leave it. I used to look back on this when I was unsure or feeling low and it would remind me that I’ve felt worse and things have been worse. When you’re ready throw that letter out, it’s the past and if you keep hold of it, it’ll be a reminder of how you once felt. Leave those feelings with the letter in the bin.
This is the most annoying tip, but probably the one with the most truth. Time really does heal all wounds. What I really want to highlight with time is that it won’t happen overnight, which is probably not what you want to hear.There’s no quick fix and it probably took me a full year to finally feel better and that was a year of a lot of achievements and probably one of the best years I’ve ever had. But I’m going to be honest; in that year there were days where I was still hurting and the pain would get to me and I would find myself having a little cry, when I would hear a song that would remind me of him or when I found out he’d moved on. These days; when I think about him or someone asks about my past I feel nothing but peaceful. It’s like watching a movie about two people that I vaguely know. So I’m sorry to say this but you’ll have to wait this one out.
I had written a huge paragraph about how I’d moved on and that I’ve now found the one, the man I share a house with, hope to marry and have kids with. But lets be honest not many people want to read that when the thought of being with another person seems so remote and you’ve just had something really sucky happen to you. Not to void all the amazing things my current partner has done for me and helped me to heal my heart, I just don’t want it to seem like the only way through is to love someone new, though it helps, its not the only solution. Instead I want to ask you to look at this horrible situation as the best thing that could ever happen to you. Yes this is out of your control and you didn’t ask for this, but control what you do next. Be hopeful of what is to come and this is a time where there are a multitude of possibilities. Anyway enough preachy preachy, I’m sorry if this post has just been full of cliches but if any of this can help one person out there than its worth it.
Thanks so much for stopping by and you never know I might just be back in a few days with something a little lighter.